The Bucket List
by aleandros137
Summary: Pierce Oakmont had been the real life equivalent of Ebeneezer Scrooge, but his unexpected death at the hands of a former employee leaves him stranded in the afterlife and he is sent to Earthland to atone for his sins whether he wants to or not. My first take at a self insert.


**AN: I honestly have no idea what possessed me to try this out. I've always thought of self insert as author's inserting themselves into stories as Mary Sue's for the sake of their own ego, but recently I've read a lot of good naruto ones like Dreaming of sunshine by silver queen and Sakura by Darkpetal16 and absolutely loved them! **

**The characters had sensible limits, but were still powerful enough with their own skill sets to be useful which is why right now I've made this little thing to see if I have any talent for it and basically something to write when I don't feel any inspiration for my other stories, so yeah. Enjoy the show! He's not technically me, but he's basically what would happen if I were a little worse. **

**The Bucket List: Prologue.**

As I observed the stale white walls void of anything resembling decoration or creativity sucking the life out of anyone who worked here, I felt strangely at peace. It felt like being back at my office again focusing on nothing, but work and then getting bundles of cash as a reward. The euphoria I felt every time I completed a project or something I worked at still sends a shiver up my spine when I think about it.

Maybe that's why I was sent here after I died? I can still remember it as clearly as if it happened... well to be honest I don't know when it happened or how long I've been here for that matter, so I suppose I'll just get straight to the story.

I had just gotten down from the plane and hailed a taxi to bring me back home. My mansion down at Los Angeles where I had lived alone ever since my wife divorced me. One soon stopped to pick me up and I boarded it without a second thought. One of the biggest mistakes of my life right after forgetting to sign a prenuptial agreement with my bitchy ex-wife.

I supposed the jetlag was still affecting me since I didn't see most of the warning signs. The lack of a driver's ID, the man's erratic driving and shifty eyes and of course the fact that there was a gun in the open glove compartment, but it could've been a lighter for all I knew and jet lag can be pretty distracting you know? I didn't notice anything unusual until I found myself stuck in the middle of nowhere with a crazy man glaring at me as he panted heavily.

I tried to resist the urge to gag as I smelled this terrible stench coming from a mouth that clearly hadn't been brushed or has seen any mouthwash in years.

"Do you remember me, **sir?"** He said, hissing out the sir part like there was no filthier word in the English language which is preposterous, I myself knew many of the worst ones and sir didn't even come close.

"Am I supposed to?" I remarked offhandedly.

I could see this gleam in his eye, the gleam of a madman who had nothing more to lose and that scared me because I knew what madmen with nothing to lose were capable of. I was one of them.

"Ha!" He barked out a laugh, "As uncaring as ever, aren't you **sir?** I waited on you hand and foot for nearly ten years and you can't even remember my name!" He shouted as he shoved the gun to my head.

Ah, so he was one of those. A disgruntled former employee trying to fulfill some vendetta against me for some sort of wrong I've done to them. If I'm counting this right then he must be around the thirteenth one? And maybe the third one to try and kidnap me? No, wait my wife was the third one, so he was the fourth.

I sighed, "Just spit it out already. What do you want from me in exchange for letting me go?" I still had a business meeting to get to in the morning and I did need my beauty sleep after all.

"What do I want!?" He screamed at me with this manic tone in his voice, "I don't want anything from your filthy hands. I just want what's fair"

"So about 5,000 will do?"

"What? No!"

"Well I can't give you any more right now, but if you could stop by a bank or wait till the morning for me to wire some money into your account then we should be good"

He stopped and looked at me right in the eye before beginning to laugh like some cartoon villain plotting some sort of scheme, perhaps he'd try to cut me in half with a laser?

"You think this is about money?" He asked before falling into a fit of crazy laughing once again, "I don't want your dirty money, you bastard!"

Ooh, bastard? I hadn't heard that one before I thought to myself as I rolled my eyes.

"All I want is to see you suffer in the hell you deserve!"

Sheesh, this kid seemed to really believe the bullshit coming out of the sewer he calls a mouth, but I knew how to deal with these types too. In fact, I dealt with them everyday. Now let's see if my acting skills are still fresh.

"Haah~" I sighed while looking at him with the emotion that most people called sympathy, "Kid, do you really understand what you're doing here?"

A confused flit across his features for a second before his scowl returned, "What do you mean?"

"If you do this there's no going back. Me? I know I'm probably going someplace bad when I'm gone and I'm prepared for it, but you? Are you really ready for that? Because if you kill me then you're going to the same place I am" My eyes were warm and forgiving and my face was soft and kind, and I lied through my teeth like the boss I was.

I could see the conflict raging on inside him and the anxious sweat on his forehead, but he wasn't quite ready to let me go yet so it's time for the works, "Look, I've done some bad things in my life and it's already too late for me to change" Now this was the part where I looked at him with passion overflowing in my eyes like a comforting beacon, "But it's not too late for you! You have your whole life ahead of you kid, don't waste that on some bastard like me"

The gun in his hand was beginning to shake and he wasn't sure about this anymore and we both knew it so now it was time to push him over the top, "Think about what'll happen after this. You could kill me right here and no one would know... except for you. You'll have to walk across the street tomorrow with another person's blood on your hands and that won't change anything. Your life will still be terrible, and killing me won't change that. The only thing it'll change is that now your parents will have a murderer for a son"

He had already fell for the whole thing hook, line and sinker, but he didn't know that yet.

My eyes were daring him to shoot and for a moment I was afraid that he would shoot it accidentally because his hands were trembling so much. The look in his eyes had changed, he was no longer a madman he was just a kid that didn't know what to do, so now it was time for the finisher. I wrapped him in a tight embrace that I would've gagged from the smell at any other day, but right now I needed to keep it together.

I kept the embrace tight and warm for as long as I could before my disgust started to show through, but that was more than enough for him to collapse into a fit of crying. It was like taking candy from a baby.

"I didn't know what else to do!" He was sobbing into his hands and I could see the salty tears flowing into his hands.

Jeez, what a crybaby and he thought he could kill me? Ha, he'd be lucky to be able to kill an ant! But although I was mocking him from the inside I had to play the part of kind mentor right now, so I gripped him in a tight hug and gently patted him on the back.

"It's okay, it's okay" I whispered into his ears as he continued to cry, the little pussy. Of course he was still a little pussy with a gun in his hands and that was something I needed to fix. I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Give me the gun..." Shit, what was this guy's name?, "... kid"

I could see the hesitance on his face, but as I showed him the eyes of a kind and wisely old man he gave in and placed it in my hands, "I... I didn't really want to do it, but what else could I do!? I didn't have any money left and no one was hiring me, so I-I just"

"Shh, it's okay" The cold metal gun gleamed in my hands with a harsh glint and as I wrapped him in another tight hug, a sinister smile that he couldn't see grew on my face, "Everything's going to be just fine" Before he even knew what was happening, I slammed the gun into the back of his head and knocked him out cold. I quickly tied his hands and feet together with some rope I'd found in the backseat alongside some rather nasty items.

This bastard had been planning to torture me! I was planning to kill him quick and fast just to put an end to his miserable life, but after I knew what he was planning to do. No, he was getting much worse. I frisked his pockets and found a wallet and a bit of loose change. To think I almost got killed by someone named Clarence.

How humiliating. I dragged him out of the driver's seat and placed myself into it. I stuck him in the backseat and as the engine roared to life I heard groaning coming from the back and instantly I knew that it was time for some good ol' revenge.

"Hey Clarence, you feel better now?"

His eyes had been unfocused, but as my voice reached his ears they began to focus on me. If he was angry before then he was downright furious now, but that was what made this fun after all.

"You old bastard! You tricked me!" I had been half-expecting for him to go curl up into a ball and cry again, but mocking an angry person was always better, "When I get out of here, I'm telling them everything!"

"Telling them what? That a sixty year old businessman that you tried to kill just knocked your ass out cold? Or maybe you'll tell them about how you were planning to torture me with these cuties right here? Hmm, this one looks fun" I said as I twirled the one with the most pointy ends in my hands.

His eyes opened wide with fear. Sweet, sweet fear. He knew me, and what I was capable of although I still wasn't exactly sure how I knew him. But that wasn't the point because right now the power balance had shifted and we both knew it.

I checked my back and side view mirrors, but it was too dark to see anything anyway and just as I was about to step onto the gas, I looked at him right in his beady little eyes and we both knew that he wasn't coming out of this in one piece both of body and mind.

"You think you're tough because you tried to kill me? I'm going to be sending you to a place where killing people is practically saying hello and they'll be very happy to see you" I drove forward wondering whether I should frame him with cocaine, heroin or meth before plummeting to my doom down to the hard rocky earth down below. Where I last saw my body splattered as I began to feel my soul being squeezed out of me like a tube of toothpaste and now here I am waiting in these plain white halls. What kind of idiot would park that near a cliff in the first place!?

Strangely, I wasn't panicking as much as I had expected. Perhaps it hadn't quite sinked in yet that I was dead which explained this strange sense of serenity that I hadn't felt ever since I made my first million. It's a strange feeling to know that your power, possessions and porn have all been taken away from you in one single day. My mind was still busy trying to process what had just happened when I heard a voice calling my name from down the corridor.

If I had to describe it as male or female then I wouldn't be able to tell you the answer, but I felt my feet move towards it anyway like I was being pulled along by a string. I found myself walking into a room with someone shuffling through a set of papers like it was a deck of cards. This someone had shoulder length blonde hair, smooth white skin and eyes that never seemed to stay the same color.

The first time I looked they were green, then they became blue and right now they were a bright purple. It reminded me of how I looked in my youth although I was pretty sure that I looked a little manlier than that and a lot less androgynous. I mean honestly, if he didn't have an absolute lack of any breasts whatsoever I'd have said he was a girl.

"Just so you know, I don't really have a gender and you don't have to keep that mask of yours on. I can tell what you're really thinking anyway" He said in the same unreadable voice, not even bothering to look me in the eye as he talked to me.

I did as he suggested and let my mask of a kindly old man slip off my face and my shark-like grin began to show. Only a few people have ever since me without that face on and those who have don't have too many good memories about it. I sat down in the chair in front of the table and waited for whatever it is they do to you when you're dead. He set the papers down on the table and he stared at me with his eyes now an obsidian black.

"Pierce Oakmont II, it says here that you've done quite a lot of bad things in your life" He said as his eyes browsed the topmost page on what I assumed was my life file.

"Haven't we all?"

The thing gave me a strange look before turning back to the papers, "It says here that you've put thousands of people out of jobs and ruined their lives"

"And I'm not saying anything until I get my lawyer down here"

For the very first time, I saw his face twitch and felt a small bit of triumph within me although to my disappointment he quickly regained his composure and continued as if nothing happened.

"I'm afraid that Mr. Jeff Winger will not be with us until for a very long time"

"I can wait" After all what could possibly happen? Die again? No, I had the cards in my hand and if I played them right then I could get past this. He and I both knew that the game was now on.

"You do know that even when he gets here, all you'll really be doing is delaying the inevitable. There are enough sins in here to send a whole country to hell" He said as he tapped the stack of papers on the table.

I snorted, "Then why haven't you sent me there already?"

It was silent.

"I think there's something you're not telling me, I think that there's a reason why you can't send me to hell"

It was silent once again as I observed his eyes. Right now they were a crimson red and his lack of pupils and stony face made it hard for me to get a reading, but I knew that there was some truth in I was saying otherwise he would've talked back.

The silence in the room was deafening as we stared each other down. Turns out that you don't really have to blink anymore once you're dead, so I could literally keep this up forever. Seconds turned into minutes and minutes turned into hours until finally he sighed and his eyes turned a cerulean blue.

"You have too many sins for me to send you to heaven... but there is a way for you to make up for them"

I grinned in triumph before asking him the important question, "How?"

His eyes turned a pale white before suddenly I felt the floor under me give away as I fell down with the wind rushing through my hair. I had to close my eyes due to the amount of wind being blown into them as I plummeted to the ground and landed on my feet on a strangely soft plot of grass. I examined my surroundings and found myself in a quaint little village.

The flowers were blooming all around, children were romping and playing to their hearts content as the adults watched from their own little gatherings as they gossiped about the latest news of the town. A lively scene where everyone was living carefree lives and relying on each other. It was honestly kind of disturbing to see how these people did things.

I walked towards them with the same professional gait in my step that I had always used and managed to conceal my distaste with a bright smile on my face. Of course, I wasn't able to look at my face, but with enough practice you don't need a mirror to know how you look, you just need to sense it. Oddly, the walk lasted longer than I expected. I usually would've made it there by this time with my usual walking speed.

Had this strange journey taken its toll on me somehow? My legs seemed to be moving at around the same pace, so I can't really blame them, so why does it feel like it's taking me more steps to get me there? I even felt strangely more energetic than usual, so there were no problems with myself, right? I banished the questions from my head for just a moment as I approached and as I got closer, I could tell something was off.

All of these adults were feet taller than me! It was like I was facing giants from where I was standing from. Either the average height in this place was nine feet or I had gotten much smaller. I stood there in shock for awhile until I managed to gather my wits back together again and search for something I could use to see my own reflection. A nearby pond looked to be good enough, but as I peered down at what I hoped to be myself it was obvious that something was definitely wrong.

The person in my reflection was a child who looked no older than ten with blonde hair, rosy cheeks and cornflower blue eyes while I distinctly remember myself to be a man in his sixties with graying hair, wrinkles and eyes that were a dull brown framed with horn-rimmed glasses. I could only stare at myself for awhile, shocked at the strange sight before me.

When I tilted my head, he tilted his. I opened my lips and he opened his. I pulled my cheeks and once again he did the same. I could no longer deny the fact that I had somehow been transformed into a ten year old boy, but an even more horrible thought crossed my mind. It couldn't have, could it? No one could be that cruel, could they? Even changing that part of me had to break some sort of limit, didn't it?

A brief peek at the inside of my pants gave me my answer, "NOOOOOO! Why did you do this to me!? WHY?"

"Are you crying, Nii-san?"

"Shut up, brat. I'm not crying at*sniff* all. I'm just allergic to all these damn flowers" I rubbed my eyes to have a look at whoever dared to say I was crying. She was a young girl about six or seven with hair as read as blood,staring at me with a puzzled look on her face.

"Are you new here? I don't think I've seen you around here before"

"Uh, yeah. Where is here exactly?"

"Rosemary village"

"Is that anywhere close to LA?"

"Elay? I've never heard of that place before, but we're south of Fiore if that helps"

Fiore? Never heard of it. How far did whatever that thing was send me?

"What's your name?" She asked, as she bent down to get a closer loo at me. She was wearing a tattered dress covered in grime and dust.

Name? I never really though about that. Maybe I should go with something cool? Never really liked the name Pierce all that much anyway, "Call me... Midas. Midas Aurum" Fitting name for someone like me,isn't it?

"I'm Erza"

**Author's note: I wanted to be original and do a SI for fairy tail because it's hard to match up to the ones from Naruto because those are pretty damn amazing. I wanted someone that's kind of an asshole to make things interesting. The main problem had been how to get this asshole of mine to help the others without going out of character, but I have a plan for that. This is probably gonna update pretty fast because I only need to check out one wiki to see if everything matches up, so look forward to a chapter 2 pretty soon. Tell me what you think in the comments and don't forget to review,favourite and follow. **


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